Familiar Territory, Unfamiliar Feeling

There I was, standing at the familiar spot where I made good memories during the summer. A familiar place, except that the feeling was totally different.

I went to Garden Grove with my parents to visit someone, except that I drove there with a different car. On the way home I decided to stop by at a specific park. It's past the park's curfew so the lights were off, but I decided to get down anyway just to walk around. It was... weird. I'm not sad, yet I wasn't happy. It's just... a blank emotion? But one thing for sure is that it wasn't the usual feeling like before.

It's weird enough that I go to Garden Grove. I don't know what made me go there other than visiting a family's acquaintance. The visit was brief and I'm going off-topic... Anyway... So where were we? Oh yeah... Something about blank emotion. I admit I'm an emotional guy and sometimes can be seen as depressing, but emotions define me and even though I'd like to think myself as a person who can hide their emotions well... Well... I don't.

As usual... I like to overanalyze (overfeel?) things. And the drive home was like how I usually do when she was here. All alone, blasting some dubstep so I don't fall asleep (My energy drinks didn't work), and texting her. Yeah... The last part was definitely not there. So I guess that's what made it weird. It's been what? Almost a month since she left? Felt like forever though. Visiting Garden Grove just made it even harder for me to realize that she's really not here anymore.

Wonder if she feels the same way...

Beyond the Sound

I'm a musically inclined person. I love to play music, I hear music, I record music, pssh... I practically breathe music. I'm able to play different music instruments and actually play it well. Of course... That was the past. People call this a blessing; a gift. Me? I don't know what to call it. I used to love this life. The life to just be able to spend the day with just music alone, but I've lost the passion that I had back then. Ever since I finished with high school, it was completely gone. I could already feel it slowly disappearing during high school actually and I blame myself for this... I simply can't fulfill the expectations that people has on me. Especially on recordings... It became so exhausting that I slowly developed a hatred for music.

Which... Bring me to this situation... This feeling of hatred towards music. I play it and I do recordings, but deep down I wish I never learned any music instruments at all. It became such a burden. People see music as something to escape the world from, while I see music as something that I'd like to escape from. Behind all that beautiful sound is a world that is not as enjoyable as everyone might think. The time that you put for it and the effort. Sure... It has its rewards in the end; a sense of accomplishment as one might say. But it never ends for me... A finished project means a new project is waiting for me. I don't have a sense of accomplishment cause I don't feel like I do it whole-heartedly.

I don't mean to be a jerk to say that I can play music well and I hate it, but that's the truth. I would trade my musical talents to go back to the past. Cause I've missed out on so much because of music. People don't understand this way of thinking, neither do I expect them to.

I know I have to stop hating on music. This universal language. This thing that can connect us to other people with no explanations. So... I guess I'm attempting to give music a second chance. To actually embrace it and to actually like it, and not have to do it cause I'm forced. It's not easy... Believe it or not, to actually like music. Only time can tell, whether I'm able to accept music or simply hate it just like what I've been doing.

A Star Among Stars

So it begins, the endless recording sessions... After finishing the recording session of the day I went home, but I decided to stop by at a park. Just to relax and maybe to think. I was pretty surprised that the stars are out there, maybe not as much as it would be like in the mountains, but it was definitely a sight to see, especially being in a crowded city. Funny how I get so mesmerized by one star and the whole time I'm only looking at this one star. Personally, I don't think it's any different than the countless stars surrounding it, but somehow it caught my attention. And this experience of the night got me thinking... Just like what I was hoping for.


What if that star is a person? A person who seems the same like everybody else, but to you there's something different about them. No one probably even notices it, but somehow this one person is the one your eyes are fixed on. The one that stands out among others. The one that you just simply can't miss out on. And like that star I'm looking at... This person seems so far away, no matter how close you think you are. But in the end you just can't stop looking, cause the moment you take your eyes off them, you probably won't be able to find them again.


It's as if I'm stuck where I am, while that person is slowly going away, and no matter how hard I chase them I seem to always fall short. (Wow... My iTunes just played Her World Goes On by Bruno Mars). So *cough cough* as I was saying... I enjoy watching the stars cause it reminds me of where I am. I'm simply human and sometimes no matter how hard we try, sometimes it's just not meant to be. This blog is not in anyway expressing my sadness, actually it's the opposite. I feel thankful that I actually found a star that I can fix my eyes upon. Something for me to chase... Something for me to long for... Something for me to wish for... And last but not least, something to live for.

Summer Memories

So... As I said countless times before, this summer is the best summer I've ever had. So I decide to make a song about it (someone). This 'it' has definitely made an impact in my life this summer. So this song is dedicated to this 'it':


Verse 1:
Here it goes again another goodbye
Another waiting game for who knows how long?
Living out the days in uncertainties
Wishing that the days would go by fast


Pre-Chorus:
So for now I'll take the summer memories that we made
The memories that I've been wishing for
And if you asked if this is all worth it
I'll say yes a thousand times it's true


Chorus:
Can't you see?
I'll wait forever and a day
I'll fly to where you are if you want me
If you need me
I can be your somebody to hold
If you doubt
If I'll be able to hold on
It's been too long for me to give up now
This is my vow
I'll wait as long as you want me to


Verse 2:
Oh, the sleepless nights I'm going to deal with
Wondering where you are and what you're doing
Cause usually you'll be standing right next to me
But now you're back across the ocean


Link is here if you want to hear it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oe909lns36U

The Countdown Begins

It'll be 24 hours from now that she'll board that plane and make her way to China. I decide to stay awake this whole time until she leaves, cause somehow it calms me down to stay awake and to savor every minute of it before she leaves (even if it makes me even sadder). My mind's talking to itself... Mostly it concerns her. I feel as if I'm talking about a goddess, cause it seems as if I adore this girl. Maybe I do... Cause somehow it brightens my day to just see her.

The thoughts on my mind are going crazy. The sadness in my heart is waiting to be unleashed. The words in my mouth cannot be uttered. It's just so hard to breathe. Imagining myself waking up to know that she's on the other side of the world, where my good morning means "have a sweet dream," and my good night means "have a great day". Also... Realizing that this is the goodbye that was never said when I left Indonesia. Actually, this is my first goodbye ever. Sad to say that my first goodbye have to be the person I can actually say I truly care about. But maybe it's a good thing... Actually never mind... It's not a good thing.

So here it goes as I lay on my bed on the dark room typing away my thoughts as I waste the time. It felt as if it was just days ago I saw that girl in the pink T-Shirt in the airport to pick her up. And now... I'll be forced to see the person I've waited for going through that hallway. I'm already a wreck right now, I don't how I'm going to be like after she left. I know I'll be okay, but in the same time I'll not be okay.

I'm trying to write a song, but so far... The words are stuck. It's like it's not yet ready to be said. Funny... That I can't say the things that I want to say, but when she's not here it'll be flowing. There's just something about distance that intrigues me... Maybe it's because it's what I've known my whole life when it comes about liking someone.

For now... Let the clocks tick. And when that plane leaves across the Pacific Ocean, let another countdown begins... The 2-Year Countdown of seeing her once again. Until then... I pray that you'll be safe.

Last Hello, First Goodbye

Well this is definitely not what I had in mind of saying goodbye... It's a challenge to actually write this cause I don't know what to write. No matter how many times I said it, it just never feels natural. "See you soon." Those words... It felt as if it's just empty words. Those three words gives me hope and I probably need it badly right now. Those three words may not be as strong as the other three words "I love you", but the meaning is just as powerful for me.


So here I thought of saying goodbye to her at least until I see her again, but I guess life doesn't work that way. She's leaving and I won't be able to see her leave. I hate goodbyes. There's nothing good about it. So maybe I'll just be a stalker and just hope to watch her leave. I'll be at the airport. I just want to be somewhere near her, even if she doesn't know it. But... I guess we'll just hold the goodbye. Maybe I won't even be able to handle it, cause I'm already a wreck right now. Maybe in this story, a goodbye was never meant to be, there is only hello.

Who's Going to Be There?

I was driving from work and I know it's a short drive home, but it's amazing how thinking can actually make time moves slower. And it's even more amazing what one memory and one look can make you think about. I looked at the empty car seat beside me and I smiled. (I don't know if it was a sad smile or a smile that you showed when you remembered something good... Maybe both...)


This memory that I made in the past two months... It went by too fast. I learned a lot of things in just two months, and it probably opened a side of me that I've been curious about for a couple months. Maybe one thought that will stick to me for awhile will be: There's no such thing as false hope, only a hope unfulfilled. And in my days when I feel giving up, another thought will keep me going: I've waited too long to give up now that the only thing I know what to do is to wait.


Continuing on with the thoughts I had in the car when I looked at the empty passenger seat... Somehow I saw a shadow of her. (Gasp... I'm high!). And there I was, feeling like I'm in a movie that i don't know about. I started thinking about who's going to be there when she leaves?


Who's going to sing at the same time as me?
Who's going to go to the wanna-be shark park with me?
Who's going to spend my days off with me?
Who's going to sit there and smile for no reason?
Who am I going to text "good morning" as soon as I woke up?
Etc...


I can go on forever about this... But I think you get the point. I'll miss this girl... I truly will. Two years can't come any faster... But I guess this will all make it worth it when I do see her again. Until then... I leave it in God's hands. I pray that she'll be fine with the things back in her place. God decides everything and whatever happens... Happens, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up.

A Little Jealousy (?)

I'm not really a jealous type of person, but maybe I kind of know how it feels like. The feeling that you kind of wish they wouldn't mention it or that you just don't want to know hear them talking for that moment. It's the first time I actually feel jealous... Like jealous jealous. I feel like a hypocrite saying it's the past, when it's clear that sometimes I dwell on it. Maybe it's because I'm simply a guy who remembers everything especially when it's someone who's special to me.


Being a good friend, of course I don't tell this to them. I listen to them as patiently as I can, knowing that this might be their only escape from reality and to actually sharing this to someone is already hard enough for them. Maybe this is all part of a process... The pain in the past is relevant because it makes you ready for the future.


Hidden feelings are the worst, but sometimes it's for the best.

Too Many Dreams... Just One Life

I have a lot wishes and I definitely have a lot of things that I want to do in my life. (I want to go skydiving). Sorry... A.D.D. took control over me for a while. So... Yes... Back to what I was saying. I want to be a lot of things when I'm all grown up. (I wonder when...).  I remembered that I wanted to be a businessman like my dad. I've wanted to be an engineer... I blame The Sims. I've thought about being a doctor. I've also thought about being a pilot, cause I used to love planes so much and the thought of being in the sky intrigues me. And I've also thought about going to be in the military, since I was so confused with the choices of my life and I thought being in the military was a matter of kill or be killed. That itself intrigues me... I guess I don't really care about my life. 


But the thing that was constant ever since my childhood was being a musician. As much as I hate music -- I truly do -- I can't deny the fact that it's the only thing that actually defined me. I admit that I'm good, but not good enough to make a living and frankly I actually don't want to make a living by playing music, even though that used to be what I was aiming for in all my high school year.


If I had more lives I'd do all of the above and see where each of them take me. Alas, we only have one life and this one life I have belongs to God. He's the wind underneath my wings. So I go wherever He takes me. It's not a matter of like it or not anymore... I think it's already a matter of accepting that wherever He takes me, I'll be safe and that I won't be alone.

An Inevitable Goodbye

I know it was going to happen. I even know the date, but for that moment I don't care and wish time never exists at all. She's been here for a month and she's leaving in two weeks. Key word: Leaving. And the worst part is that I won't be able to see her until the day she leaves and I'll probably be seeing her at the airport waving goodbye to her. My summer officially started when she came here and now it's coming to an end with her leaving this country.

It's weird now cause she's been the one thing I look forward to during my days off. And also knowing that during my Skype sessions with her here, I know she's only an hour away. And in two weeks, my next Skype session with her would be seeing her face knowing that there are thousands of miles setting us apart. One thing for sure, my days off would be less lively I guess.

It has been a dream come true to just hanging out with her. The first friend from my old school in Indonesia! And it's been the best summer of my life. The memories I made with her is probably not even important, but I remember every tiny details, just because she's part of it. I'm trying to make as much memories so there would be less regret, cause no matter what there will always be regrets. I'm just trying to make it less regretful I guess? Sigh... This blog is making me sound so pathetic, but I just don't want to say goodbye. It was hard enough to let go of that hand, since I know the moment I let go of that hand will probably be the last time I'll be holding that hand, but hey... the waiting was worth it. My summer is summed up with just one night. And it didn't disappoint.

So... I guess it's another waiting game for me and maybe for her. So for now... I'll let myself sink into the reality that she's leaving and just prepare myself to say that inevitable goodbye that I'm really dreading.

Worth Your While

Of course... This blog is written while I'm listening to Worth Your While by Gabe Bondoc, who by the way is a frigging amazing artist. The song may not speak to me directly, but the title was definitely something I'm currently doing. After all this summer's motto is: Making Every Second Count. It wasn't that hard. It was just a matter of wanting, but sometimes I felt as if I'm the only one wanting it. As if I'm the only one that wants this. But in the same time I don't really care. I don't know why I'm willing enough to do it, even if maybe she doesn't care at all.

But whatever... I'm not making sense. My mind is cluttered. All I know is every time I'm with her I really wanna make it worth her while. I don't care about anything else. I just seem to be overwhelmed by how my heart beats so abnormal in just the sight of her. She may not be everything, but she's a special something. I fell head over heels just by being beside her. I don't know... Call it exagerration, but I just know that she's that one person that makes my heart "smurfed" a beat.

One thing for sure; I'm having the best summer of my life and she's a big part of the reason why. So... I'll enjoy the moment and I'll make it worth her while. Even if maybe this was just another vacation for her, but to me it means more than just spending time with someone I truly care about. I'm spending it with someone who gives me butterflies whenever she looks at me, or gives me goosebumps when she sings. She's probably the only human alive that makes me okay being uncomfortable with her.

Confusion In the Midst of Serenity

The feeling felt as if you're on top of the world (Not that I know how that feels like). It was wish that I wished for three times each year for seven long years. Christmas Wish, Birthday Wish, and New Year's Wish. A wish to just see her again. The girl that I seem to be chasing, not because I want to, but because it just seems right to do so. I don't know if it was perseverance or it was just simply fate, but I finally saw her. If you would like to be spiritual, call it a divine appointment.

The first eye contact, the closest it's ever been (other than Skyping) finally happened. The anxiety I felt for that week was replaced with a simple saying of, "Finally...". The first body contact was a hug. It may not mean much, but it was simply a way to know if she's actually real. My heart beats faster, yet it's calm, knowing that everything is okay.

After everything was said and done, I simply ask myself whether I'm chasing a shadow of the girl of the past or am I really in love with the girl. The answer... is both. I'm chasing a girl who has changed but I learned to accept it, but in the same time... I don't know if I'm doing it cause I want to, I'm doing it cause it just feels right. In the end I felt as confused as before and it doesn't help that I'm doubting my feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I fell for the wrong girl, even though I kept saying to myself that I'll wait... Wait as long as I can. So I'll enjoy this good times... Whether she'll just be another girl in my life or another wish comes true... Only time can tell.

Someone I Wish I Never Met

You know that one person that you wish you never met? I don't mean in a bad way. But it's that one person who you wish you never met, cause you just can't stop thinking about them and you wish that you can just stop thinking about them. That one person who gives you that lovey-dovey feeling and makes you feel like your heart is about to stop. Yeah... They're also the one that never noticed you.

Or worse... That one person is your best frigging friend! (Oh the sleepless nights!)

It's easier if you barely know them at all, because sooner or later you start to drift apart and you began to realize that the feeling that you had was the "in the moment" feeling and no matter how genuine the feelings are, sometimes it just doesn't last that long.

It's a different story when the person that gave you that feelings are the one that you see almost everyday. Or maybe just a person who you knew for a long time.

Crossing the line of friendship and hoping that it'll lead somewhere.

If you're this type of person... I applaud you, but I'm not this kind of person. Call me a coward or what-not, but I simply value friendship over relationship. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but it's the safest thing to do. Losing a lover is painful, but losing a best friend is like severing part of your body.

I thought this kind of bestfriend-lover thing would never happen to me, but man... Life slapped me in the face... Like a good slap. Like a girl-got-insulted-and-ruined-her-day-and-she-cried-in-the-movie type of slap. The person who I thought I would never fall for is actually giving me second thoughts... Making me wonder if I fell for the wrong girl.

"Cause I swear I never had these butterflies

I swear those eyes weren't shining bright last night

I'm just seeing you in a light before unseen."

(Song in the making by yours truly)

The best I can do is simply wait and see if the feeling is really genuine. For now I don't know what to do, but if it's meant to be... Then something will happen. But for now I just wish I never met her as a friend, cause now... I'm torn whether to cross that line of friendship. As time goes by the feeling will either get stronger or weaker... And I'm not sure where I want it to lean to...

"Just Friends"

You have a bestfriend of the opposite sex and you spend a lot of time with them together, sometimes too much time. The closeness is to the point where people thinks you're dating each other or that you guys hiding your feelings towards each other. It's as if they WANT or think that you SHOULD be together. In the end, you would answer them with the same ol' boring (and true) answer, "No... We're just friends."

- PAUSE -

This is where everybody would doubt you and they would tease you. They simply don't believe that you can just be friends that close without feeling for each other.

- PRESS START -

Don't you hate this? You're tired of explaining them that you're simply friends and nothing more than that. You're simply like brother and sister. You would die for each other, you would admit that they're important to you, and you would admit that you don't know what would you do without them in your life, but it's because of that brotherly/sisterly love. You simply can't see being in a relationship with them. You're simply happy to be just friends and a relationship upgrade just doesn't feel right. This 'just friends' relationship is sometimes your number one priority, that it actually eclipsed your romantic relationship priority.

Your pet peeve would actually be people trying to set you up with this one friend. (It's simply so hard these days to say "We're just friends" and have people believe it).  The saying of "he/she not my boy/girlfriend is always overlooked because once again, people just doesn't believe you.

The last thing would be when people asks you, "Why don't you go out with them?"

Simple answer would be, "Why not?"

Alas, we don't live in such a simple world. We live in a world which demands explanation.

There can be reasons why you don't go out with them. Maybe it's because both of you have someone else in mind, or maybe you even tried it, but decided that it's really the best solution to stay friends and keep it that way. In the end, you probably just never had the sexual attraction towards them and sometimes this relationship is all you need in your young age, where commitment is just hard to find and that right person is nowhere to be seen... yet.

Same Ol' Feeling

"Just when you thought you had all the answers to life, life changed the question." - Anonymous.

It rings like crazy right now in my head. I memorized it unconsciously.

Today past by with me simply trying to get rid of a feeling. A feeling that we all knew very well. A feeling that comes out of nowhere and never wants to leave. Yes... That feeling between crush and like. You're not sure if it's real cause you never seem to think about that person that way. You're just at lost of what to do. Waiting seems to make the feeling even stronger even though you're trying to get rid of it.

It can be lots of reasons why you don't want to go after it. Maybe your feeling would look like one of these:

1. You're not ready for the hurt... again

This one is probably most common to the one who's been in a relationship before and got their hearts broken. You've been hurt too long and you're not ready to move on yet. The thoughts of getting hurt was simply too much. After all... Why give your all when they don't even try? Second chance is hard to be given, there's a reason why it's called a second chance, and not second chances.


2. Don't want to ruin friendship
Ahh... Everyone has gone through this stage before. After all there was a saying about the best relationship sometimes comes from your best friend. It might be true, but your thoughts are thinking the opposite. You're thinking what if yours are the one that doesn't come true. You just can't see yourself with that person and instead you kept that feeling inside and sometimes it was never revealed. In the end... You're with someone else and they're with someone else. Everything works out right? Not really. The feelings sometimes linger and it gets into your current relationship. Step one of being in a relationship is to leave all past feelings behind.


3. Loooooooooooonnnnnnggggg Distance
You simply don't believe in a relationship with long distance. You can't hold their hands, you can't kiss them, heck... you can't even see them face to face. You see no point of relationship without intimacy. But sometimes long distance relationship tends to be the strongest kind of relationship in the end. If you can still be with one another with the distance, imagine being together side-by-side. It may work in your head, but reality and fantasy is different and you're simply a realistic kind of person.


I'm talking about those three feelings from my own perspective and I've felt it firsthand. This is by no means a guide or anything like that. It's simply something I want to share, especially when I'm having one of those feelings (or should I say all). In all circumstance... Don't rush into a relationship. Your "the one" is not that easy to find, so be patient.

Wonder If I Ever Cross Your Mind...

You know those moments when you're heartbroken? When suddenly you're listening to songs that reminds you of them and you just seem want to stay in those moments, because weirdly even though you're hurt, you want to keep that feeling, you want to keep the 'hate' you have towards them.  Maybe you kept that feeling because that's the only proof that what you had was real.


I'm sure some of us had that moment and maybe some felt it more than once. (I'm sorry). The time that we spent thinking about them is countless. Just wanting to be alone and everything seems so gloomy. It's as if your life is a sad rainy day. You probably even try to wait for them. Your mind starts playing games with you and start playing the scenarios of how they'll come back to your life and everything will be okay. As you realized slowly and painfully that everything is not going back like the way it is. That rainy day became a storm.

At one point of that storm you begin to ask yourself this, "Have I ever crossed your mind since that time?"
In your mind you're hoping that they thought about you as much as you thought about them. Maybe they did, but most people never knew the answer and life goes on. An unsolved question lingers within your heart awaiting for another heartbreak... The question is the same and until you've found that one person that you can't live without, you probably won't be able to answer that question.


Be thankful for your loved ones. They're the reason why that question is answered. Different people will have a different answer, either that answer is temporary or permanent, only time can tell...

Impossible Is Only an Idea

"You can't do it."

"That's impossible."

Those are the words that I usually hear at least once a week. I'm the type of person who will do anything to prove people wrong, even though sometimes I go overboard with that. The thing that I hate the most is sometimes those words get to me and it changes who I am and that goes against what I always believe in, which is to always be yourself no matter what happens.

What IS impossible? As far as I know, impossible is always redefined. No one ever thought of putting a man on the moon. It was impossible that time and now? It didn't only just happen. People are already dreaming of living in another planet.

Impossible was simply an idea; it's an unknown thing which people either gave up on or never even tried.

A lot of people talk about dreams and how sometimes it seems farfetched. If impossible is redefined as time goes on, why not redefine impossible right now? The reward is your dream can be fulfilled, but me personally? My greatest enjoyment would be proving my doubters wrong.

Do yourself a favor and don't let the impossible define what you're going to do.

My Blues

Sat down and I know that there's something bothering me
I watched life goes by. Seconds... Minutes... Hours passed...
Thinking how maybe it was stupid of me to think to have such a high hope that time
I don't need a redo but I need another chance
Can't get over the fact that you really left out the door
The heart's been empty for a while now
The only thing left is the echoes of the past memories

It's hard to follow your heart when it's in pieces
I want to be mad at you, but I'm just fooling with myself
In the end of it all I still want to be the one who's there for you
You've been my Christmas wish and the "falling star" wish
And now I need to start over

Get back up is what I tell myself but I seem to always fall short
I'm just too afraid to go back to the unknown, the uncertainty
Just when I thought I got everything figured out, everything quickly crumbles
I seem to be unable to suppress my emotion like I'm used to
Everything just seems to blow up without me wanting it to
I guess heartbreak really lets out the emotions that you have kept for so long

The pain is there and I should be glad
It meant that everything was real
Time to adjust and adapt again
Throw some fake smiles here and there and life goes on
Time to let a special someone rebuild my heart

I'm just part of your story and nowhere near the main part
It's time for me to write my own story and let me be the main character