Beyond the Sound

I'm a musically inclined person. I love to play music, I hear music, I record music, pssh... I practically breathe music. I'm able to play different music instruments and actually play it well. Of course... That was the past. People call this a blessing; a gift. Me? I don't know what to call it. I used to love this life. The life to just be able to spend the day with just music alone, but I've lost the passion that I had back then. Ever since I finished with high school, it was completely gone. I could already feel it slowly disappearing during high school actually and I blame myself for this... I simply can't fulfill the expectations that people has on me. Especially on recordings... It became so exhausting that I slowly developed a hatred for music.

Which... Bring me to this situation... This feeling of hatred towards music. I play it and I do recordings, but deep down I wish I never learned any music instruments at all. It became such a burden. People see music as something to escape the world from, while I see music as something that I'd like to escape from. Behind all that beautiful sound is a world that is not as enjoyable as everyone might think. The time that you put for it and the effort. Sure... It has its rewards in the end; a sense of accomplishment as one might say. But it never ends for me... A finished project means a new project is waiting for me. I don't have a sense of accomplishment cause I don't feel like I do it whole-heartedly.

I don't mean to be a jerk to say that I can play music well and I hate it, but that's the truth. I would trade my musical talents to go back to the past. Cause I've missed out on so much because of music. People don't understand this way of thinking, neither do I expect them to.

I know I have to stop hating on music. This universal language. This thing that can connect us to other people with no explanations. So... I guess I'm attempting to give music a second chance. To actually embrace it and to actually like it, and not have to do it cause I'm forced. It's not easy... Believe it or not, to actually like music. Only time can tell, whether I'm able to accept music or simply hate it just like what I've been doing.