The Countdown Begins

It'll be 24 hours from now that she'll board that plane and make her way to China. I decide to stay awake this whole time until she leaves, cause somehow it calms me down to stay awake and to savor every minute of it before she leaves (even if it makes me even sadder). My mind's talking to itself... Mostly it concerns her. I feel as if I'm talking about a goddess, cause it seems as if I adore this girl. Maybe I do... Cause somehow it brightens my day to just see her.

The thoughts on my mind are going crazy. The sadness in my heart is waiting to be unleashed. The words in my mouth cannot be uttered. It's just so hard to breathe. Imagining myself waking up to know that she's on the other side of the world, where my good morning means "have a sweet dream," and my good night means "have a great day". Also... Realizing that this is the goodbye that was never said when I left Indonesia. Actually, this is my first goodbye ever. Sad to say that my first goodbye have to be the person I can actually say I truly care about. But maybe it's a good thing... Actually never mind... It's not a good thing.

So here it goes as I lay on my bed on the dark room typing away my thoughts as I waste the time. It felt as if it was just days ago I saw that girl in the pink T-Shirt in the airport to pick her up. And now... I'll be forced to see the person I've waited for going through that hallway. I'm already a wreck right now, I don't how I'm going to be like after she left. I know I'll be okay, but in the same time I'll not be okay.

I'm trying to write a song, but so far... The words are stuck. It's like it's not yet ready to be said. Funny... That I can't say the things that I want to say, but when she's not here it'll be flowing. There's just something about distance that intrigues me... Maybe it's because it's what I've known my whole life when it comes about liking someone.

For now... Let the clocks tick. And when that plane leaves across the Pacific Ocean, let another countdown begins... The 2-Year Countdown of seeing her once again. Until then... I pray that you'll be safe.

Last Hello, First Goodbye

Well this is definitely not what I had in mind of saying goodbye... It's a challenge to actually write this cause I don't know what to write. No matter how many times I said it, it just never feels natural. "See you soon." Those words... It felt as if it's just empty words. Those three words gives me hope and I probably need it badly right now. Those three words may not be as strong as the other three words "I love you", but the meaning is just as powerful for me.


So here I thought of saying goodbye to her at least until I see her again, but I guess life doesn't work that way. She's leaving and I won't be able to see her leave. I hate goodbyes. There's nothing good about it. So maybe I'll just be a stalker and just hope to watch her leave. I'll be at the airport. I just want to be somewhere near her, even if she doesn't know it. But... I guess we'll just hold the goodbye. Maybe I won't even be able to handle it, cause I'm already a wreck right now. Maybe in this story, a goodbye was never meant to be, there is only hello.

Who's Going to Be There?

I was driving from work and I know it's a short drive home, but it's amazing how thinking can actually make time moves slower. And it's even more amazing what one memory and one look can make you think about. I looked at the empty car seat beside me and I smiled. (I don't know if it was a sad smile or a smile that you showed when you remembered something good... Maybe both...)


This memory that I made in the past two months... It went by too fast. I learned a lot of things in just two months, and it probably opened a side of me that I've been curious about for a couple months. Maybe one thought that will stick to me for awhile will be: There's no such thing as false hope, only a hope unfulfilled. And in my days when I feel giving up, another thought will keep me going: I've waited too long to give up now that the only thing I know what to do is to wait.


Continuing on with the thoughts I had in the car when I looked at the empty passenger seat... Somehow I saw a shadow of her. (Gasp... I'm high!). And there I was, feeling like I'm in a movie that i don't know about. I started thinking about who's going to be there when she leaves?


Who's going to sing at the same time as me?
Who's going to go to the wanna-be shark park with me?
Who's going to spend my days off with me?
Who's going to sit there and smile for no reason?
Who am I going to text "good morning" as soon as I woke up?
Etc...


I can go on forever about this... But I think you get the point. I'll miss this girl... I truly will. Two years can't come any faster... But I guess this will all make it worth it when I do see her again. Until then... I leave it in God's hands. I pray that she'll be fine with the things back in her place. God decides everything and whatever happens... Happens, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up.

A Little Jealousy (?)

I'm not really a jealous type of person, but maybe I kind of know how it feels like. The feeling that you kind of wish they wouldn't mention it or that you just don't want to know hear them talking for that moment. It's the first time I actually feel jealous... Like jealous jealous. I feel like a hypocrite saying it's the past, when it's clear that sometimes I dwell on it. Maybe it's because I'm simply a guy who remembers everything especially when it's someone who's special to me.


Being a good friend, of course I don't tell this to them. I listen to them as patiently as I can, knowing that this might be their only escape from reality and to actually sharing this to someone is already hard enough for them. Maybe this is all part of a process... The pain in the past is relevant because it makes you ready for the future.


Hidden feelings are the worst, but sometimes it's for the best.

Too Many Dreams... Just One Life

I have a lot wishes and I definitely have a lot of things that I want to do in my life. (I want to go skydiving). Sorry... A.D.D. took control over me for a while. So... Yes... Back to what I was saying. I want to be a lot of things when I'm all grown up. (I wonder when...).  I remembered that I wanted to be a businessman like my dad. I've wanted to be an engineer... I blame The Sims. I've thought about being a doctor. I've also thought about being a pilot, cause I used to love planes so much and the thought of being in the sky intrigues me. And I've also thought about going to be in the military, since I was so confused with the choices of my life and I thought being in the military was a matter of kill or be killed. That itself intrigues me... I guess I don't really care about my life. 


But the thing that was constant ever since my childhood was being a musician. As much as I hate music -- I truly do -- I can't deny the fact that it's the only thing that actually defined me. I admit that I'm good, but not good enough to make a living and frankly I actually don't want to make a living by playing music, even though that used to be what I was aiming for in all my high school year.


If I had more lives I'd do all of the above and see where each of them take me. Alas, we only have one life and this one life I have belongs to God. He's the wind underneath my wings. So I go wherever He takes me. It's not a matter of like it or not anymore... I think it's already a matter of accepting that wherever He takes me, I'll be safe and that I won't be alone.

An Inevitable Goodbye

I know it was going to happen. I even know the date, but for that moment I don't care and wish time never exists at all. She's been here for a month and she's leaving in two weeks. Key word: Leaving. And the worst part is that I won't be able to see her until the day she leaves and I'll probably be seeing her at the airport waving goodbye to her. My summer officially started when she came here and now it's coming to an end with her leaving this country.

It's weird now cause she's been the one thing I look forward to during my days off. And also knowing that during my Skype sessions with her here, I know she's only an hour away. And in two weeks, my next Skype session with her would be seeing her face knowing that there are thousands of miles setting us apart. One thing for sure, my days off would be less lively I guess.

It has been a dream come true to just hanging out with her. The first friend from my old school in Indonesia! And it's been the best summer of my life. The memories I made with her is probably not even important, but I remember every tiny details, just because she's part of it. I'm trying to make as much memories so there would be less regret, cause no matter what there will always be regrets. I'm just trying to make it less regretful I guess? Sigh... This blog is making me sound so pathetic, but I just don't want to say goodbye. It was hard enough to let go of that hand, since I know the moment I let go of that hand will probably be the last time I'll be holding that hand, but hey... the waiting was worth it. My summer is summed up with just one night. And it didn't disappoint.

So... I guess it's another waiting game for me and maybe for her. So for now... I'll let myself sink into the reality that she's leaving and just prepare myself to say that inevitable goodbye that I'm really dreading.

Worth Your While

Of course... This blog is written while I'm listening to Worth Your While by Gabe Bondoc, who by the way is a frigging amazing artist. The song may not speak to me directly, but the title was definitely something I'm currently doing. After all this summer's motto is: Making Every Second Count. It wasn't that hard. It was just a matter of wanting, but sometimes I felt as if I'm the only one wanting it. As if I'm the only one that wants this. But in the same time I don't really care. I don't know why I'm willing enough to do it, even if maybe she doesn't care at all.

But whatever... I'm not making sense. My mind is cluttered. All I know is every time I'm with her I really wanna make it worth her while. I don't care about anything else. I just seem to be overwhelmed by how my heart beats so abnormal in just the sight of her. She may not be everything, but she's a special something. I fell head over heels just by being beside her. I don't know... Call it exagerration, but I just know that she's that one person that makes my heart "smurfed" a beat.

One thing for sure; I'm having the best summer of my life and she's a big part of the reason why. So... I'll enjoy the moment and I'll make it worth her while. Even if maybe this was just another vacation for her, but to me it means more than just spending time with someone I truly care about. I'm spending it with someone who gives me butterflies whenever she looks at me, or gives me goosebumps when she sings. She's probably the only human alive that makes me okay being uncomfortable with her.

Confusion In the Midst of Serenity

The feeling felt as if you're on top of the world (Not that I know how that feels like). It was wish that I wished for three times each year for seven long years. Christmas Wish, Birthday Wish, and New Year's Wish. A wish to just see her again. The girl that I seem to be chasing, not because I want to, but because it just seems right to do so. I don't know if it was perseverance or it was just simply fate, but I finally saw her. If you would like to be spiritual, call it a divine appointment.

The first eye contact, the closest it's ever been (other than Skyping) finally happened. The anxiety I felt for that week was replaced with a simple saying of, "Finally...". The first body contact was a hug. It may not mean much, but it was simply a way to know if she's actually real. My heart beats faster, yet it's calm, knowing that everything is okay.

After everything was said and done, I simply ask myself whether I'm chasing a shadow of the girl of the past or am I really in love with the girl. The answer... is both. I'm chasing a girl who has changed but I learned to accept it, but in the same time... I don't know if I'm doing it cause I want to, I'm doing it cause it just feels right. In the end I felt as confused as before and it doesn't help that I'm doubting my feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I fell for the wrong girl, even though I kept saying to myself that I'll wait... Wait as long as I can. So I'll enjoy this good times... Whether she'll just be another girl in my life or another wish comes true... Only time can tell.