Familiar Territory, Unfamiliar Feeling

There I was, standing at the familiar spot where I made good memories during the summer. A familiar place, except that the feeling was totally different.

I went to Garden Grove with my parents to visit someone, except that I drove there with a different car. On the way home I decided to stop by at a specific park. It's past the park's curfew so the lights were off, but I decided to get down anyway just to walk around. It was... weird. I'm not sad, yet I wasn't happy. It's just... a blank emotion? But one thing for sure is that it wasn't the usual feeling like before.

It's weird enough that I go to Garden Grove. I don't know what made me go there other than visiting a family's acquaintance. The visit was brief and I'm going off-topic... Anyway... So where were we? Oh yeah... Something about blank emotion. I admit I'm an emotional guy and sometimes can be seen as depressing, but emotions define me and even though I'd like to think myself as a person who can hide their emotions well... Well... I don't.

As usual... I like to overanalyze (overfeel?) things. And the drive home was like how I usually do when she was here. All alone, blasting some dubstep so I don't fall asleep (My energy drinks didn't work), and texting her. Yeah... The last part was definitely not there. So I guess that's what made it weird. It's been what? Almost a month since she left? Felt like forever though. Visiting Garden Grove just made it even harder for me to realize that she's really not here anymore.

Wonder if she feels the same way...

Beyond the Sound

I'm a musically inclined person. I love to play music, I hear music, I record music, pssh... I practically breathe music. I'm able to play different music instruments and actually play it well. Of course... That was the past. People call this a blessing; a gift. Me? I don't know what to call it. I used to love this life. The life to just be able to spend the day with just music alone, but I've lost the passion that I had back then. Ever since I finished with high school, it was completely gone. I could already feel it slowly disappearing during high school actually and I blame myself for this... I simply can't fulfill the expectations that people has on me. Especially on recordings... It became so exhausting that I slowly developed a hatred for music.

Which... Bring me to this situation... This feeling of hatred towards music. I play it and I do recordings, but deep down I wish I never learned any music instruments at all. It became such a burden. People see music as something to escape the world from, while I see music as something that I'd like to escape from. Behind all that beautiful sound is a world that is not as enjoyable as everyone might think. The time that you put for it and the effort. Sure... It has its rewards in the end; a sense of accomplishment as one might say. But it never ends for me... A finished project means a new project is waiting for me. I don't have a sense of accomplishment cause I don't feel like I do it whole-heartedly.

I don't mean to be a jerk to say that I can play music well and I hate it, but that's the truth. I would trade my musical talents to go back to the past. Cause I've missed out on so much because of music. People don't understand this way of thinking, neither do I expect them to.

I know I have to stop hating on music. This universal language. This thing that can connect us to other people with no explanations. So... I guess I'm attempting to give music a second chance. To actually embrace it and to actually like it, and not have to do it cause I'm forced. It's not easy... Believe it or not, to actually like music. Only time can tell, whether I'm able to accept music or simply hate it just like what I've been doing.

A Star Among Stars

So it begins, the endless recording sessions... After finishing the recording session of the day I went home, but I decided to stop by at a park. Just to relax and maybe to think. I was pretty surprised that the stars are out there, maybe not as much as it would be like in the mountains, but it was definitely a sight to see, especially being in a crowded city. Funny how I get so mesmerized by one star and the whole time I'm only looking at this one star. Personally, I don't think it's any different than the countless stars surrounding it, but somehow it caught my attention. And this experience of the night got me thinking... Just like what I was hoping for.


What if that star is a person? A person who seems the same like everybody else, but to you there's something different about them. No one probably even notices it, but somehow this one person is the one your eyes are fixed on. The one that stands out among others. The one that you just simply can't miss out on. And like that star I'm looking at... This person seems so far away, no matter how close you think you are. But in the end you just can't stop looking, cause the moment you take your eyes off them, you probably won't be able to find them again.


It's as if I'm stuck where I am, while that person is slowly going away, and no matter how hard I chase them I seem to always fall short. (Wow... My iTunes just played Her World Goes On by Bruno Mars). So *cough cough* as I was saying... I enjoy watching the stars cause it reminds me of where I am. I'm simply human and sometimes no matter how hard we try, sometimes it's just not meant to be. This blog is not in anyway expressing my sadness, actually it's the opposite. I feel thankful that I actually found a star that I can fix my eyes upon. Something for me to chase... Something for me to long for... Something for me to wish for... And last but not least, something to live for.

Summer Memories

So... As I said countless times before, this summer is the best summer I've ever had. So I decide to make a song about it (someone). This 'it' has definitely made an impact in my life this summer. So this song is dedicated to this 'it':


Verse 1:
Here it goes again another goodbye
Another waiting game for who knows how long?
Living out the days in uncertainties
Wishing that the days would go by fast


Pre-Chorus:
So for now I'll take the summer memories that we made
The memories that I've been wishing for
And if you asked if this is all worth it
I'll say yes a thousand times it's true


Chorus:
Can't you see?
I'll wait forever and a day
I'll fly to where you are if you want me
If you need me
I can be your somebody to hold
If you doubt
If I'll be able to hold on
It's been too long for me to give up now
This is my vow
I'll wait as long as you want me to


Verse 2:
Oh, the sleepless nights I'm going to deal with
Wondering where you are and what you're doing
Cause usually you'll be standing right next to me
But now you're back across the ocean


Link is here if you want to hear it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oe909lns36U

The Countdown Begins

It'll be 24 hours from now that she'll board that plane and make her way to China. I decide to stay awake this whole time until she leaves, cause somehow it calms me down to stay awake and to savor every minute of it before she leaves (even if it makes me even sadder). My mind's talking to itself... Mostly it concerns her. I feel as if I'm talking about a goddess, cause it seems as if I adore this girl. Maybe I do... Cause somehow it brightens my day to just see her.

The thoughts on my mind are going crazy. The sadness in my heart is waiting to be unleashed. The words in my mouth cannot be uttered. It's just so hard to breathe. Imagining myself waking up to know that she's on the other side of the world, where my good morning means "have a sweet dream," and my good night means "have a great day". Also... Realizing that this is the goodbye that was never said when I left Indonesia. Actually, this is my first goodbye ever. Sad to say that my first goodbye have to be the person I can actually say I truly care about. But maybe it's a good thing... Actually never mind... It's not a good thing.

So here it goes as I lay on my bed on the dark room typing away my thoughts as I waste the time. It felt as if it was just days ago I saw that girl in the pink T-Shirt in the airport to pick her up. And now... I'll be forced to see the person I've waited for going through that hallway. I'm already a wreck right now, I don't how I'm going to be like after she left. I know I'll be okay, but in the same time I'll not be okay.

I'm trying to write a song, but so far... The words are stuck. It's like it's not yet ready to be said. Funny... That I can't say the things that I want to say, but when she's not here it'll be flowing. There's just something about distance that intrigues me... Maybe it's because it's what I've known my whole life when it comes about liking someone.

For now... Let the clocks tick. And when that plane leaves across the Pacific Ocean, let another countdown begins... The 2-Year Countdown of seeing her once again. Until then... I pray that you'll be safe.

Last Hello, First Goodbye

Well this is definitely not what I had in mind of saying goodbye... It's a challenge to actually write this cause I don't know what to write. No matter how many times I said it, it just never feels natural. "See you soon." Those words... It felt as if it's just empty words. Those three words gives me hope and I probably need it badly right now. Those three words may not be as strong as the other three words "I love you", but the meaning is just as powerful for me.


So here I thought of saying goodbye to her at least until I see her again, but I guess life doesn't work that way. She's leaving and I won't be able to see her leave. I hate goodbyes. There's nothing good about it. So maybe I'll just be a stalker and just hope to watch her leave. I'll be at the airport. I just want to be somewhere near her, even if she doesn't know it. But... I guess we'll just hold the goodbye. Maybe I won't even be able to handle it, cause I'm already a wreck right now. Maybe in this story, a goodbye was never meant to be, there is only hello.

Who's Going to Be There?

I was driving from work and I know it's a short drive home, but it's amazing how thinking can actually make time moves slower. And it's even more amazing what one memory and one look can make you think about. I looked at the empty car seat beside me and I smiled. (I don't know if it was a sad smile or a smile that you showed when you remembered something good... Maybe both...)


This memory that I made in the past two months... It went by too fast. I learned a lot of things in just two months, and it probably opened a side of me that I've been curious about for a couple months. Maybe one thought that will stick to me for awhile will be: There's no such thing as false hope, only a hope unfulfilled. And in my days when I feel giving up, another thought will keep me going: I've waited too long to give up now that the only thing I know what to do is to wait.


Continuing on with the thoughts I had in the car when I looked at the empty passenger seat... Somehow I saw a shadow of her. (Gasp... I'm high!). And there I was, feeling like I'm in a movie that i don't know about. I started thinking about who's going to be there when she leaves?


Who's going to sing at the same time as me?
Who's going to go to the wanna-be shark park with me?
Who's going to spend my days off with me?
Who's going to sit there and smile for no reason?
Who am I going to text "good morning" as soon as I woke up?
Etc...


I can go on forever about this... But I think you get the point. I'll miss this girl... I truly will. Two years can't come any faster... But I guess this will all make it worth it when I do see her again. Until then... I leave it in God's hands. I pray that she'll be fine with the things back in her place. God decides everything and whatever happens... Happens, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up.